10.  He’s 20 years younger so his place is never coming up for sale.

9. His “wildlife habitat” just south of you has enough Johnsongrass to reseed the Northern Hemisphere.

8. He owns a Watusi-Piedmontese-Murray Grey-Holstein-Scottish Highlander bull with a 60-inch vertical leap and excessive libido.

7. He gets more rain when it’s dry, less rain when it’s wet.

6. He trades pickups every year.

5. His cow-chasing dog has a knack for staying just out of range.

4. He dotes on his wife—a fact not lost on your wife.

3. His kids never get into trouble.

2. Because he irritated the county commissioner you haven’t seen a road maintainer since 1983.

1. He doesn’t have a darn thing you need to borrow. £

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