10. When sorting cattle, be more specific than, “Hold the black one.”

9. “A little late,” means less than an hour — anything more and you know where the microwave is.

8. Just because it’s felt and has fewer blood, manure and sweat stains doesn’t make it a ‘Sunday’ Stetson.

7. Any birthday gift hinting at self-improvement is suicidally stupid.

6. She and the guy at the parts counter agree — “whatchmacallit and dohickey” don’t cut it.

5. If you leave a tractor tire near the lawn, don’t be surprised if it turns into a petunia planter.

4. When your cell phone goes through the washer, it’s your own darn fault.

3. Aim for “getting the gate” yourself at least 50 percent of the time.

2. Better to let weeds grow in the lot than risk 2,4-D drift into her garden.

1. Falling asleep in the easy chair negates all rights to the remote.