10. You mistake the meth-head anhydrous thieves as kids dressed like zombies and give them each a Snickers.
9. Visitors compliment you on your decorations — owls, spider webs, decapitated rodents left on the front step by the cat — when you actually didn’t do a thing.
8. Trick-or-treaters see you wake up, rise from your chair and lumber stiffly across the room in boxers and cowboy boots and they run screaming out the door.
7. The visitors you handed Slim Jims aren’t just dressed like PeTA activists, they are PeTA activists.
6. Handing out ZipLoc bags of soybeans the past few years has really cut down the number of trick-or-treaters.
5. Your wife notes that the cute gal from the Co-op, dressed as Elvira, is the only trick-or-treater of the night you help with treat selection.
4. Your screaming rant at the kids you caught soaping your windows goes viral on YouTube.
3. Well, it probably wasn’t the best night to drag a cow carcass up to the front yard for the dead wagon to pick up.
2. You compliment the trick-or-treater on his fake Billy Bob teeth and he looks at you like he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.
1. Scariest Halloween event: You discover a 2-day-old voice mail from your broker screaming, “SELL, SELL, SELL!”