Parsons, Kansas —
10. You mistake the meth-head anhydrous thieves as kids dressed like zombies and you give them each a Snickers.
9. Visitors compliment you on your decorations — owls, spider webs, decapitated rodents left on the front step by the cat — when you actually didn’t do a thing.
8. Trick-or-treaters see you wake-up, rise from your chair and lumber stiffly across the room and they run screaming out the door.
7. The visitors to whom you just handed Slim Jims aren’t just dressed like PeTA activists, they are PeTA activists.
6. Seems like handing out Zip-Lock bags of soybeans the past few years has really cut down the number of trick-or-treaters.
5. Your wife notes that the cute gal from the Co-op, dressed as Elvira, is the only trick-or-treater of the night you help with treat selection.
4. Your screaming rant at the kids you caught soaping your windows ends up on YouTube with 2.5 million views within 24 hours.
3. Well, it probably wasn’t the best night to drag a cow carcass up to the front yard for the dead wagon to pick up.
2. You compliment the trick-or-treater on his fake Billy Bob teeth and he looks at you like he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.
1. Scariest Halloween event: You discover a two-day old voice mail from your commodity broker screaming, “SELL, SELL, SELL!” £